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School Children Learn that Geliophobia is no Laughing Matter
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(by Rotene)
Tholian children in the New Tholia primary school system learned, today, that Geliophobia ("fear of laughing") is a very serious condition. A full 7 in 100 Tholians suffer from this or related conditions. Dr. Meimor at the New Tholia Psychological Institute gave the Chronicle a possible reason for the epidemic. "Geliophobia is especially common among Tholian adults who grow up two generations removed from cynical people," she informed us. "As we all know, cynical people are very funny. Consequently, their children learn to make light of any and every situation. This, in turn, causes their children, who cannot for the love of Pete understand why everything has to be a joke, to develop an irrational fear of laughing."
With such a great portion of society suffering from this humorless phobia, one wonders what could cause such pervasive cynicism. When questioned, one New Tholia resident responded, "We're just cogs in the machine. And if the Man wants cynical, we'll give him cynical." Another said, "Oh, sure. Blame it on the cynics. No bleeding heart will ever stand up for them."
In order to diagnose the problem early on, the primary school children were given mandatory laughing exercises, supervised by their teachers. Exceptions were made, of course, for children with legitimate humor disabilities, and the children of notable politicians.
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New Facelift Technology Makes Ugly Tholians More Attractive
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(by Tolene)
Ever wondered at the spectacularly hideous faces you pass on the way to work, or even at the office? Some blame a media which has defined a standard of attractiveness unattainable by the average Molkene on the street. Rather than demonize the media, like a bunch of cynics might, we at the Chronicle have chosen to provide the common Tholian with an alternative to suicide in the proverbial face of homeliness.
Many species have long been able to improve the appearance of their citizens using relatively simple surgical procedures. Others, such as the hated Seltorians, have merely fooled themselves into thinking that they are already attractive, when anyone can clearly see that they are bug-ugly. The latter method is no more than self deception for most Tholians, and the former has eluded even the brightest medical minds... until now.
Dr. Sehtor at the Tholian Medical Institute on New Tholia has discovered a revolutionary procedure which takes even the most offensive face and turns it into a work of art. Says he, "It's astonishing that the average Tholian even gets up in the morning. Observing one's face in the mirror is frankly traumatic for most, and I'd say that every Tholian who shows up to work in the morning is a testament to the Tholian will. Every time a patient leaves my office I take a good look and have to convince myself that this is the same Tholian who walked in, hours before." But pictures speak louder than words, and Dr. Sehtor has graciously presented us with the pictures of an actual patient he was able to help:
He continues, "Until now, the technology to mold the rock and magma of a Tholian face has been out of reach. And where other species have had the benefits of alchohol and other mind-altering drugs, all such things burn up in the presense of a Tholian. I am proud to say that we will one day be an attractive species, ourselves." All this author can say is, "Thank you, Dr. Sehtor. You will forever occupy the hearts of all Tholians from this day forth."
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Point/Counterpoint - Increasing Health Care
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TC: Health care costs are increasing, and the government has removed some of the health care coverage of the lower middle class. What is causing this increased cost?
Moltar: The foremost reason for this increased cost is the amount of fast food consumed by Tholians, today. On the journey to this galaxy from the home galaxy, fast food chains thrived because of the cheap, low quality ingredients that go into their food. Now the Tholian people are paying the price.
Zorak: Don't be stupid. Clearly the decrease in the ratio of doctors to non-doctors since we moved is the primary cause of increased health care costs.
Moltar: Are you slow? Health care costs have only just begun to increase in the last fifty years. The thinking man logically concludes that the decreased ratio would not take 150 years to have an effect.
Zorak: Thinking man? Nice try, moron. What do you have against fast food chains, anyway? Why make them the scapegoats?
Moltar: Did you just call me a moron? Takes one to know one, I guess. Here's my impression of you: "Hi! I'm Zorak and I'm a total idiot. But I know how to use the word 'ratio' in a sentence."
Zorak: Oh, yeah? Well, here's my impression of you: "I'm Moltar and I hate fast food chains. They're evil and I'm going to demonize them because they made my whole family fat."
Moltar: You take that back!
Zorak: Make me!
TC: Ah, the insightful and ever-witty banter of Moltar and Zorak. But the problem remains that the poorer among us are not getting adequate health care, and the costs are still rising.
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